Humor: What Job Ads Really Mean

From around the Internet — what those standard phrases in job ads really mean:

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates — you listen, and try to figure out what they really mean. Then tell them, because they don’t know.

Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload: No whiners.

Career-Minded: You need to have your bosses’ career on your mind at all times.

Self-Motivated: Because we won’t motivate you.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night, and some time each weekend.

Duties Will Vary: You’ll have eight bosses.

Competitive Environment: We fire people all the time.

Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We don’t provide leads, and you’re only paid on commission.

Casual Work Atmosphere: Dress however you like, subject to the incomprehensible whims of our HR manager. She’s bipolar.

PR or Marketing Experience a Bonus: Maybe you can tell us the difference between the two.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You’ll be doing the jobs of three people we just fired.

Can Hit the Ground Running: No one’s been doing your job for six months.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: Your boss will be too busy “taking lunch” and working on PowerPoint presentations to actually solve any problems.

Family Atmosphere: Everyone will blame you for the firing of your beloved predecessor.

3-5 Years Work Experience Required: You’re in your early 20s, so we can abuse you.

Excellent Benefits: It’s the same tired PPO plan from your last job. But we have a first aid kit in the supply closet.

Exciting Start-up Firm: We’ve been a “start-up” since 1997, and we’re still not making a profit.

Pay to be Dependent on Experience: Meaning you can experience the low pay we offer you, or you can experience the unemployment line.

Got any job ad phrases of your own? Let us know in the comments!

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Related posts:

1. Don’t Worry — Your Inexperience Might Be a Good Thing!
2. Humor: The Honest Job Application
3. What That Job Ad Really Means to Say
4. Humor: What Employee Recommendations Really Mean
5. Tips for Experienced Professionals Looking for Work

Tags: humor, Internet meme, job ads, Job Search