More Heinous Business Jargon to Avoid

I return now to my lone, quixotic campaign to help stop dumb people with business degrees from trying to sound smart by using heinous business jargon.

Plug-and-play. This term has a technical meaning we need not worry about here. Microsoft introduced the term as marketing jargon in the ’90s, to imply that you could plug a printer or modem into a Windows PC, and have it work automatically, without loading software or changing settings. You know, like a Mac. On rare occasions, Windows plug-and-play actually works.

Business folks use the term to mean a process or product that is easily initiated or installed, and that works right away. Now think — have you ever experienced such a thing? Of course you haven’t. It doesn’t exist.

“Plug-and-play,” when it comes to business, is a lie. Don’t use it.

Turn-key solution. Means the same thing as plug-and-play. Does not exist, no matter what the salesperson tells you. The closest thing I ever encountered to a “turn-key” solution was WordPress — and it still took me a week to get a blog properly going.

Dynamic metrics. This also may have a highly technical meaning, but business people use it to mean “measurements taken while a process (such as online advertising) is operating,” as opposed to taking measurements when a process is ended. I hereby grant permission to IT pros and data analysts to use this term. Anyone else — you sound like an idiot. In fact, the next time you hear a non-techie use this phrase, ask him or her what it means. It’ll be amusing.

Right-sizing. Right-sizing = downsizing = FIRED. Never let anyone euphemize firings. Make them feel the guilt.

Synergy. The absolute nadir of corporate buzzwords. It means “different entities that cooperate, and become more than the sum of their parts.” This word has been overused to the point of meaninglessness. In practice, it means Company A bought Company B, and now the employees at Company A are not allowed to use any product made by Company B’s competitors. But they will pay full price.

Instruct your secretary or assistant to stab you in the hand with a fork every time you say “synergy.” You’ll learn. Same thing goes for “mediums” and “irregardless.”

Got any hated corporate gobbledy-speak of your own? Let is know in the comments!

Tags: business communication, business jargon, humor, information technology, synergy

Humor: What Employee Recommendations Really Mean

When a potential employer calls your employment references, he or she knows the person at the end of the line can’t legally badmouth you. But sometimes its possible to read between the lines of a glowing recommendation.

From the ‘Tubes: The Lexicon of Intentionally Ambiguous Recommendations (or LIAR):

A man like him is hard to find. He disappears frequently.

Most of us had good impressions of him. And there was this one guy who could mimic him perfectly.

He’s a man of many convictions. He’s got a record a mile long.

I am pleased to say that she is a former colleague of mine. I can’t tell you how happy I am that she left.

He’s a difficult man to replace. He’ll sue if you try to fire him.

He takes a lot of enjoyment out of work. And ruins it for others too.

She merits a closer look. Don’t let her out of your sight.

He is a man of great vision. He hallucinates.

He is definitely a man to watch. Don’t trust him at all.

She commands the respect of everyone with whom she works. But rarely gets it.

You will never catch him asleep on the job. He’s too crafty to get caught.

He’s the kind of employee you can swear by. He likes dirty jokes, too.

If I were you, I’d give him sweeping responsibilities. He can also handle a mop.

When I saw her last, her business was just picking up. Litter, mostly.

When he worked for us, he was given numerous citations. And had to appear in court for each one.

She gives every appearance of being a loyal, dedicated employee. But appearances are deceiving.

He doesn’t mind being disturbed. Which is why he doesn’t take his medication.

Got any more? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: communication, humor, Internet meme, professional references, recommendations

How to Talk (and Not to Talk) to a Bereaved Co-worker

It’s unfortunate, but part of life — at some point, someone at your workplace will lose a loved one or close friend.

People never seem to know how to treat a bereaved person, or how to talk to them. Keeping in mind the office environment and professional relationships, here are some tips.

What Not to Say

God has a purpose / It’s God’s will. Very common, and totally inappropriate both at work or not. No one wants to hear that their loved one’s death was plotted by deities. And at work, it’s best to never bring up religion. Let your bereaved co-worker work out any religious issues, if any, with their clergy.

I know how you feel. Unless you suffered the exact same loss — a parent, a child, whatever — then do not say this, because you don’t know how they feel. And even if you have had a similar experience, you’re just a co-worker — an acquaintance. Unless you and the grieving person are close friends outside of work, don’t try to share your experience.

You’ll get over it. Absolutely true. And NO ONE wants to hear it when the pain is so fresh.

You have to get on with your life. Also true. But maybe the bereaved person could worry about that after the funeral?

What Not to Do

Pretend nothing happened. Even if you don’t know a work acquaintance very well, just say “I’m sorry.” Ignoring the issue doesn’t make it go away — it can actually increase the discomfort. Once the issue has been briefly touched upon, don’t mention it again. And treat the bereaved person as you normally would — don’t offer to take some of their work, for example. Leave that between the bereaved person and their immediate supervisor.

Compare their losses to your losses. You think it’s bad to lose a nephew? I lost a son! Wow, I feel bad for you. And you’re a monster — how dare you belittle someone’s suffering? It doesn’t matter if you lost ten children. STFU.

Offer your philosophy on death. Keep it to yourself. Let the bereaved’s family and clergy deal with that. No one cares what you learned on your junior year trip to Nepal.

Okay, if those are the things to not do or say, what should one do or say?

What to Say

I’m sorry. Expresses empathy and caring, without crossing any lines. They say “thank you,” and you can all get back to work.

What to Do

Offer help. It’s almost a cliche, and such help is rarely accepted. But “If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know” will be appreciated, even if it never comes up again. BUT — if the bereaved takes you up on your offer, then you really have to help.

Ask about, or offer memories about, the deceased. If you have never met the person who died, you can ask the bereaved person to talk about him or her. If they decline the offer, it’s still appreciated. If they talk about the loved one, then be attentive.

If you knew the deceased person, then feel free to mention a quick memory of that person, or say something nice. I met your husband at last year’s Christmas party, and we talked for a while. He was a fascinating person.

Let things get back to normal on the bereaved’s own schedule. Don’t avoid the person, or seek them out. Treat them respectfully, and professionally. One day soon, he or she will laugh at a joke, or thank you for your understanding, and any social discomfort will lift.

Do you have any advice for handling these touchy office situations? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: communication, death, professionalism

Should Job Interviewees Admit to Having Kids?

It’s illegal in most places for a job interviewer to ask if you have children, or if you plan to have children. And although this question would be as pertinent with a male employee as a female one, it’s women who have to worry that a recruiter will have a bias against employees with children. Although today’s fathers are often as involved (in a non-obstetric sense) with their children as mothers, employers still think that male employees will be more reliable and will work more hours than women.

Managers with large firms and corporations may tend to be more modern in their outlook on hiring women who have, or intend to have, children, simply because they have programs in place to deal with the issue. But a particular manager may still have a bias, and small employers may go so far as to violate the law and quiz you on your personal family plans.

So what should you do if a recruiter asks about children? That’s a tough call. You can’t lie — never lie. You can explain to the recruiter that the question is illegal — this could lead to a contrite apology from the recruiter, or they may become annoyed. Neither is good for your hiring prospects.

Or you could walk out. While this may be the most satisfying response (and who wants to work for a firm whose recruiters or managers don’t know standard practices?), in this economy it may not be very practical.

My advice is to be honest and answer the question. Don’t talk about future plans — that’s your business, and could change anyway. Mention that you have children, and if it’s true then say they are in a reliable daycare, or are looked after during the day.

Just be aware that a firm that asks these questions in an interview is likely to cause problems for employees who are parents, both women and men.

On a side note — a tip for managers, and for employed parents. The personal lives of parents are not necessarily more or less important than those of non-parents. Try not to make concessions for parents that you would not make for non-parents. It breeds dissatisfaction over perceived favoritism. And a 22-year-old’s emergency involving an elderly relative, for example, is no more or less important than a 42-year-old’s emergency involving a child.

What do you think? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: bad interviewers, family issues, interview tips, interviews, parenting

What to Say If You’re Caught Sleeping in Your Cubicle

As a sequel to yesterday’s post on looking busy at work, here’s a meme floating around the Web: what to say if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:

“It’s okay: I’m still billing the client.”

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

“This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”

“I was working smarter, not harder.”

“Whew! I must a left the top off the Liquid Paper.”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

“I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”

“I’m in the management training program.”

“I’m actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned at the last management seminar you made me attend.”

“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”

“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

“The coffee machine is broken.”

“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

“It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”

“I was cross-training for telecommuting.”

“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

“I wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up a contact lens without hands.”

“The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun, so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”

And the best thing to say if your boss catches you asleep at your desk:

“Geez, I thought you were gone for the day.”

Got any of your own? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: bad employees, humor, sleep

How to Look Busy at Work

If you’re at work, you should be working.

BWA HA HA just kidding. Apart from certain important personal matters that may have to be dealt with at work (making doctor’s appointment, dealing with your bank/cable company/phone provider), there are times you won’t be busy, if for no other reason that you need a mental health minute.

But some bosses don’t realize this, and expect you to be 100% productive, 100% of the time. So it’s important to know how to look busy without getting caught.

Fortunately for you, I’m an expert.

Position your monitor so no one can see it but you. If possible. When someone comes into your office or cubicle, you’ll have the opportunity to Alt-Tab your way from World of Warcraft to Excel.

Always keep important programs open on your screen. Or you can create a screen capture of your monitor when busy, and make this your wallpaper image.

Turn off your screensaver. If your boss sees your screensaver running, he or she will know you haven’t used your computer in the last 15 or so minutes. This is especially embarrassing if you’re sitting at your desk.

Keep lots of paperwork out on your desk. Tidy=slacking.

March around the office looking stressed. Let other workers see you walking quickly past, on your way to that very important… whatever.

Have a folder or binder with you at all times. If you have a binder, you must be busy, right? But make sure it’s something relevant, in case your boss asks you what you’re carrying.

If your job requires you to be on the phone, then pretend to be on the phone. If your job does not require the phone, then don’t try this — you’ll look like you’re slacking or making personal calls.

Talk to your co-workers about how busy you are. Get that rumor going that you’re the busiest one in the group. But be cautious –  spend too much time talking up how slammed you are, and your coworkers will figure out what you’re doing.

FedEx packages to yourself. It’s expensive, but it really makes you seem important — like Steve Martin in Bowfinger.

Got any more advice for the successful slacker? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: bad advice, computer skills, humor, job advice, looking busy

Advice for Commuters

I live in the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area, which has the fifth worst average commute time in the nation, at 26.5 minutes. But I’ve had jobs that required a hour-and-a-half commute each way, and that’s not unusual.

Commuting to work can create a great deal of stress, and that stress can bleed into your work life and your home life. But there are ways to make commuting easier.

Leave home much earlier than you usually have to leave. It may take you 45 minutes to get to work most mornings, but there is always going to be an accident, or construction, or a loose animal in the lanes, and the time of your commute doubles or triples. Unfortunately, employers often don’t care why you are late, just that you are late. So arrive early. Get some coffee. Be the first person at your desk — it’s very impressive.

Of course, if you have a family or other responsibilities, it may not be viable to give up even more of your time to your commute and employer.

Buy gas on your way home, at a regular location you use all the time. Never leave gas purchases to the morning — you’ll just make yourself late for work.

Listen to books on tape. You’re not going to learn anything from that wacky morning zoo radio show. Take advantage of the extra time each day to expand your horizons.

Don’t work in the car. Sure, you’re making up for lost time — until you die in a fiery crash because you had your BlackBerry jammed into one ear while you tried to take notes and drink from your Starbucks brushed-metal coffee mug. Work can wait until you get to work.

Carpool. Many employer offer incentives to workers who carpool. If you can find other employees who live in your general area, this is a great option.

But remember you are putting your arrival time in the hands of others. Make sure you have a back-up plan so you can get to work on time if the carpool driver bails. Make sure everyone in the carpool understands that if they can’t make it that morning, to give the others as much notice as possible.

Also, split the cost of gas evenly. Don’t try to get more money from people who live farther away, or break it down by mile, or try to charge for “wear and tear” on your car. Just split the costs evenly — it’s better for everyone.

Got any suggestions for commuters? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: carpooling, commuting, job advice, tardiness

How to Keep Your New Job

In this economy, a job is like a bar of gold. A bar of gold encrusted with diamonds and pearls, with the cure for cancer etched into it.

Forbes magazine says 25% of new employees don’t last a year, and 50% are gone by 18 months. So if you land a new job, it’s quite important to keep that job. There are plenty of other people who want it.

Some advice for the newly employed:

Make sure you and your boss have the same understanding of your job description. Maybe you applied for Assistant Regional Manager, but your boss hired you for Assistant to the Regional Manager. Or perhaps you and your supervisor agree on the title, but not on what the job responsibilities are. Employers have a tendency to make positions more attractive than they are, just as job applicants exaggerate their own qualifications.

If there seem to be any differences between what you and your boss expected, bring the issue up at once. You might be doing a great job at what you thought your position was, while your boss might think you’re screwing up. Clear the air, make sure you’re on the same page, and don’t overuse tired cliches like “clear the air” and “on the same page.”

Don’t march in on day one and try to change everything. Some particularly egotistical people (especially in management) think they need to establish themselves on the first day as the new gun in town. As soon as they hit the ground, they are running –right into other employees, who may not appreciate the new person marking his or her territory.

Don’t try to remake your office, department or company as soon as you arrive. First, there may be perfectly valid reasons why your new company does things the way they do them. And second, your bosses and co-workers don’t know you or trust you yet. No one wants a stranger to show up and tell them everything they’re doing is wrong.

Spend at least a few weeks meeting your co-workers and discussing why they do what they do the way they do it. Then, once you’ve established yourself, start making suggestions to co-workers, and instituting your way of doing things with subordinates.

Promote yourself. You may be doing great work, but when the layoffs come six months from now, the newest hires will be the first to go. And if none of the managers can remember who you are or what you do, they will have no compunctions about letting you go.

Meet as many people as you can at your new job. Stay in communication with your supervisor, and keep him or her apprised of what you’re working on. Go to work parties and after-work drinks. Get noticed — it’s much harder to lay off a friend or acquaintance than a total stranger. And networking will promote your career in other ways as well.

Be honest if you don’t know what you’re doing. New hires are often terrified to admit they’re not sure how to complete a task, or are unclear on their job requirements. If you don’t know how to deal with something, there are two choices — face the embarrassment of admitting this to your boss, or never get the task done and turn what may be a small problem into a big disaster.

I’ve had to go to a new supervisor and say “I don’t know how to do this,” and face the boss’ confusion and anger. But your resume said you could [job skill]! What kind of a [insert job title here] doesn’t know how to do this? The problem may stem from you and your boss have differing ideas about your job description; or maybe the person you replaced had a different skill set than you do.

But keeping your problem a secret will only make it worse. Learn what you need to learn, and the problem is solved.

Don’t be tardy; dress appropriately; stay late; work hard. I shouldn’t have to add these, but apparently not everyone knows that the first 90 days of your job are like a trial period. Do your absolute best.

Got any further advice for new employees? Let us know in the comments.

Tags: currently employed, job advice, office politics, social networking

Resume & Cover Letter Bloopers

Here is another web meme, found in the wilds of the Internet. It claims to have been published in Fortune magazine. Anyway, it’s funny.

These are (supposedly) real comments and notes culled from resumes and cover letters. All misspellings and typos are original.

“I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.”

“I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.”

“Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”

“Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”

“Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”

“Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”

“It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”

“Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”

“You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.”

“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”

“I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”

“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”

“I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voice mail.”

“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and
absolutely nothing.”

“My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in
meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”

“I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”

“Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”

“As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.”

“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never
quit a job.”

“Marital status: often. Children: various.”

“Reason for leaving my last job: They insisted that all employees get to
work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn’t work under thos conditions.”

“The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”

“Finished eighth in my class of ten.”

“References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”

Got any good ones? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: bad resumes, cover letters, humor, resume writing, resumes

What To Do Before You Call IT

As a sequel to yesterday’s post on how to deal with IT people, here is a list of things to try before you get IT on the phone.

Believe me, your IT geek will love you for it, and may never again suggest your problem is an id10t error.

If your program or application freezes (Windows):

1. Press the Ctrl + Alt + Del keys simultaneously.
2. Choose “Task List.”
3. Select the program that you want to stop from the list, and press the “End Task” button.

If your program or application freezes (Macintosh):

1. Press the Opt + ⌘ + Esc keys simultaneously, or choose “Force Quit” from the  Menu in the upper-left corner of your screen.
2. Select the program that you want to stop and press the “Force Quit” button.

If your monitor won’t turn on:

Make sure the power cable, and the cable that runs from the monitor to the computer, are properly plugged in at both ends.

If your computer can’t access the network or the Internet:

1. Make sure the network cable is plugged properly into the CPU and the wall.
2. Shut down the computer.
3. Wait 10-15 seconds, and turn it back on.

If your printer won’t print:

Turn the printer and your computer off; then turn them both on again.

If your computer won’t shut down when you try to turn it off (both Mac and Windows):

Push in and hold the power button until your computer shuts down. Wait 10-15 seconds before turning it back on again.

Got any additional advice? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: Advice, computers, information technology, IT Department