How to Look Busy at Work

If you’re at work, you should be working.

BWA HA HA just kidding. Apart from certain important personal matters that may have to be dealt with at work (making doctor’s appointment, dealing with your bank/cable company/phone provider), there are times you won’t be busy, if for no other reason that you need a mental health minute.

But some bosses don’t realize this, and expect you to be 100% productive, 100% of the time. So it’s important to know how to look busy without getting caught.

Fortunately for you, I’m an expert.

Position your monitor so no one can see it but you. If possible. When someone comes into your office or cubicle, you’ll have the opportunity to Alt-Tab your way from World of Warcraft to Excel.

Always keep important programs open on your screen. Or you can create a screen capture of your monitor when busy, and make this your wallpaper image.

Turn off your screensaver. If your boss sees your screensaver running, he or she will know you haven’t used your computer in the last 15 or so minutes. This is especially embarrassing if you’re sitting at your desk.

Keep lots of paperwork out on your desk. Tidy=slacking.

March around the office looking stressed. Let other workers see you walking quickly past, on your way to that very important… whatever.

Have a folder or binder with you at all times. If you have a binder, you must be busy, right? But make sure it’s something relevant, in case your boss asks you what you’re carrying.

If your job requires you to be on the phone, then pretend to be on the phone. If your job does not require the phone, then don’t try this — you’ll look like you’re slacking or making personal calls.

Talk to your co-workers about how busy you are. Get that rumor going that you’re the busiest one in the group. But be cautious –  spend too much time talking up how slammed you are, and your coworkers will figure out what you’re doing.

FedEx packages to yourself. It’s expensive, but it really makes you seem important — like Steve Martin in Bowfinger.

Got any more advice for the successful slacker? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: bad advice, computer skills, humor, job advice, looking busy

Ten Ways to Ensure You Don’t Get Hired

Want to help out total strangers by letting them have that job for which you applied? Do you enjoy living in your mom’s basement eating Hot Pockets? Have you decided to move to Berkeley and live in a van down by the river?

Then here are ten ways to assure you don’t get hired.

Send a resume that gets noticed! No, not by clearly laying out your qualifications, silly. Print it on thick pink paper, with a piece of candy tied with a ribbon in one corner. And clip a photo of yourself to it, maybe that great Halloween costume shot from last year. Human resources managers love that kind of thing. They’ll eat the candy, show to photo around the office for mockery, and then file your resume — in the round file.

Ignore directions. The company may ask for your resume in a certain file format, or ask that your cover letter be a separate file. They may instruct you to send a writing sample, or just a link to your online portfolio. Whatever they ask you to do — they don’t mean it. Just do what’s convenient for you. You can be certain they’ll interview people who know how to follow instructions. And not you.

Call the employer every day. There’s nothing a human resources manager enjoys more than a job applicant who won’t leave them alone. Calling every day, even when asked to not call, tells the employer you are (1) motivated, (2) annoying and (3) possibly a psychopath.

Lie about your education and qualifications. Of course you’ve been through Harvard — by car! Yes, Denzel Washington is one of your references — you got his autograph back when he was on St. Elsewhere! Sure, you can operate 80-ton capacity rail crane with 5000kg chain hoists — how hard could it be? And there’s no way to check these things, right? Right?

Be late for the interview. The employer gets it — bad traffic, car trouble, bus was late, your water broke. No problem! Why should you be constrained by a repressive white male idea of linear time, anyway? You made yourself look bad next to all the employees who arrived punctually, but I’m sure that won’t hurt your chances.

Dress like a teenager for the interview. It tells the employer you’re fun! And I’m sure “fun” is eaxctly what they’re looking for in a new employee.

Go into details about your personal life and hobbies. Seriously, it’s an all new Klan nowadays. It’s like the Rotary Club, but with hoods. We even have black members! Well… members named “Black.”

Learn nothing about the company. That way you’re a fresh slate, a tabula rasa if you will. Employment is like being on a jury — the less you know, the better.

Badmouth your old company. Everyone enjoys humorous stories about how terrible your old job was. I’m sure the new employer won’t assume you’d badmouth their firm behind their back.

And if you do somehow manage to get hired, call in sick your first day. Just let them know you were feeling a bit woozy and decided to stay in bed. Don’t call in sick too early — around 11 or 11:30am should be fine.

Good luck not getting hired! See you in the dole queue!

Tags: bad advice, interview mistakes, job search advice, resumes