Humor: Three Ways to Fire an Employee

With tens of thousands of people being laid off each month, it’s quite inappropriate to be posting humorous posts about getting fired.

But who cares?

From the seminal 1988-94 CBC sketch comedy show The Kids in the Hall — the hapless Chris Bellamy (Bruce McCulloch) gets fired, three different times:

Know any other great job/career related-sketches? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: Bruce McCulloch, comedy, firings, humor, Kids in the Hall, video

How Not to Get Fired

So you’re getting fired or laid off. It happens to everyone at some point. But making the situation worse than it has to be is always a mistake, and will come back to haunt you later.

Don’t get emotional. Actually, I take that back — of course you’ll be emotional. But don’t show it. Don’t get angry, or vindictive, or loud. Remain professional. People will be watching how you react — and some of those people may have an opportunity to help you in the future with your career.

Don’t argue. By the time someone is informing you that you’re out, the decision has been discussed, discussed again, approved and recorded for posterity on paperwork. It’s too late for argument — you won’t be able to talk your way back into your job.

Don’t threaten. Don’t bring up the many no-doubt-valid lawsuits or complaint actions you’ve fantasized about. If you have a real claim, bringing it up during the firing process will just endanger the claim. If you don’t have a real claim, well then you’re just being an ass.

Don’t steal from the company. I know you want to grab as much stuff from your desk as you can on your way out — don’t. If you personally purchased it with your own money, then take it. But if it’s the company’s, whether a laptop computer or a broken pencil, just leave it. Don’t set yourself up for further trouble.

What do all these rules have in common? Don’t burn bridges. No matter what you think of your company now that they’re cutting you loose, you gain nothing by causing trouble or taking revenge. If you have a genuine claim against a firm, then pursue it. Otherwise, behave yourself. Future employers will most likely contact the firm that laid you off, and you don’t want them saying anything that might hurt your future employment chances.

Go home, spend a week in bed, and then get out there and find a new job. And if anyone asks you what happened at the old firm, just grit your teeth and say “they’re a good company, but it didn’t work out.”

Tags: firings, five-finger discount, job advice, lawsuits, layoffs

How to Tell You’re Going to Lose Your Job

In this economy, everyone is in a precarious position career-wise. But there are ways to tell if a firing or lay off looms on your horizon.

You don’t have enough work.

Symptoms: Your boss isn’t assigning you enough work to keep you busy all day. This could be because he or she doesn’t want to give you an assignment you won’t be around the finish. Or, maybe he or she no longer trusts you. Or the reasons could be innocent — maybe the whole company doesn’t have enough work. Perhaps your boss simply isn’t aware you have free time.
The cure: Don’t be afraid to go to your boss and ask for more work. Even if you really are on the short-list for a layoff, asking for more responsibility may change management’s mind. And if they won’t give you more work, it’s time to start updating that resume.

You’re out of the loop.

Symptoms: You used to get invited to all the good meetings. Your boss would stop by to chat. People asked for your opinion, and not just about whether last night’s Lost made any sense. Now, you’re not in the loop anymore. If you hear about important office issues, it’s through the rumor mill and not through official channels. You’re feeling isolated.
The cure: Again, go to your boss. Or if he or she won’t help, then your boss’ boss. Maybe there’s a good reason you’re out of the loop — to help give you more time to get your work done, for example. But simply asking to get back in the action may be enough to deal you back in.

Your boss gets fired, or quits.

Symptoms: One day you get to work, and your boss is gone. You’re assigned to a different supervisor (or if you’re very unlucky, multiple supervisors). But you’re still associated with your old boss, and to some people, this makes you expendable. And if they replace your superior with a new hire, he or she may wish to fill your position with someone of their choosing.
The cure: Communicate directly with your new supervisor. Don’t try to be “loyal” to your old boss — who does that help? Not your old boss, he or she is gone! Make sure your new boss knows you are on their team.

Your firm is recruiting to fill your position.

Symptoms: The company keeps bringing in people to fill a position suspiciously similar to yours. They may even ask you to interview the candidates! And if you’re skimming through craigslist and see your job up for grabs — well, how much evidence do you need?
The cure: Get out. Now.

Tags: firings, job advice, layoffs