Because Your Employment is, um, at a Crossroads
I don’t speak any of the Balto-Slavic languages, so I have no idea what this commercial is advertising. But if you’re trying to come up with ways to avoid your boss, then watch:
If you know what’s going on this commercial, let us know in the comments!
If you’re important enough at your firm top score your own administrative assistant, you’re very lucky. But is your administrative assistant?
Here are the requests your assistant wants to make, but dares not:
Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
Do your best to make me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, please keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.
Don’t ever ask me to lunch. I love it when you run off for a three-martini binge at noon, while I munch on dry ramen at my desk.
If you have any job responsibilities you don’t enjoy, just delegate them to me. In fact, why don’t I just do your job, at one-third of your pay? Then you can sit on your ass all day and play fantasy football.
If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic, and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured in a luge competition.
If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I’m hoping if I concentrate hard enough, I’ll become psychic.
If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm, and then bring it to me. Better yet, wait until Friday.
Never introduce me to the people. When you refer to them later, I’ll rely on my psychic powers again.
Tell me all your personal problems. No one else has any, and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about you having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Got any more secret requests for your manager? Let us know in the comments.
Some are from the Internet, and some are from my mind alone: the Top 13 Excuses for Being Late to Work:
13. My Mom didn’t wake me up on time. She doesn’t like to come into the basement.
12. Starbucks was out of caramel macchiato syrup. So I went home.
11. When I woke up the morning, I was still tied to the bed and the whore was gone.
10. My left turn signal was out, so I had to make all right turns to get to work.
9. I’m [insert religion here], and we don’t recognize Daylight Savings Time. We call it “Daylight Satan’s Time.”
8. I had a headache and did not want to give it to anyone else.
7. There was a parade, and Ferris Bueller was singing “Twist & Shout.”
6. This morning my wife was getting pregnant, and I wanted to be there.
5. I’m late because nothing’s more important to me than our beloved Alaska. In fact, I quit!
4. Sorry, I have the swine flu, and I had to stop and buy these surgical masks for everyone else in the office to wear.
3. I thought we had Columbus Day off.
2. Don’t oppress me with your White male notions of linear time!
1. I was late today because I was reading “late for work” excuses on my computer.
Got any better excuses? Let us know in the comments!
Unless you’re a high-powered partner at a Big Four accounting firm who routinely charges $1000 lunches and dinners to your clients, you probably sometimes bring a bag lunch to work.
Fighting over lunch times, lunch locations, and even the lunches themselves is a major source of interpersonal friction at offices. But it’s totally unnecessary. Just be polite!
How long should someone else’s food sit in the office fridge before I can claim it? Um, never? Theft is theft, even if the food has been abandoned. Go buy your own food, Oliver Twist.
Someone stole my lunch. What should I do? Here’s what not to do. Don’t make a scene. Don’t try to turn it into a big deal. Don’t go around the office “investigating.” Calm down, and go buy another lunch. Eat it. Then mention to either your superior or the HR manager what happened. If it keeps happening, let them handle it. If it’s not getting handled, hide your lunch in your desk.
Right now, a thief is stealing lunches, and he or she is the problem. Make the issue bigger than it needs to be, and you become the problem.
Everyone is complaining that my lunch is too smelly. Don’t I have the right to eat whatever I want? Sure, that’s what the Revolutionary Army fought and died to protect — your right to make your co-workers miserable with the stench from your Haggis and Vieux Boulogne lunch plate. Have your Tony Bourdain-ian adventures in eclectic world cuisine at home.
How long should that old, mold-covered Subway foot-long tuna on Italian herbs & cheese bread sit in the fridge before it’s thrown out? Someone should clean the fridge every Friday. This can be hard if no one in the office has “housekeeping” in their job description. I say get the HR manager to do it. But don’t try to rotate the responsibility — it’ll never get done.
Someone is sitting in my spot in the break room. How do I politely make them give up my seat? What is this, 9th grade? You don’t have a personal “spot” in the break room. If you want absolute control of your dominion, eat at your desk.
I’m going out to lunch. Do I have to invite everyone in the group? Yes. You do. It’s not cool to grab four of the five people in your group and head out for lunch. If you’re going to be selective about your lunch partners, then be discreet. Otherwise it’s like Elementary School – everyone get invited to the party.
My boss loves to hold meetings at lunch time. Shouldn’t he feed us? First of all, if you murder this boss, no jury will convict you. That said, yes — if your asshat boss is going to steal your lunchtime, then he or she should provide a catered or delivered lunch, enough for everyone, either on the company’s dime, or his or her own.
Got more office lunch advice? Let us know in the comments!
From around the Internet — what those standard phrases in job ads really mean:
Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates — you listen, and try to figure out what they really mean. Then tell them, because they don’t know.
Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload: No whiners.
Career-Minded: You need to have your bosses’ career on your mind at all times.
Self-Motivated: Because we won’t motivate you.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night, and some time each weekend.
Duties Will Vary: You’ll have eight bosses.
Competitive Environment: We fire people all the time.
Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We don’t provide leads, and you’re only paid on commission.
Casual Work Atmosphere: Dress however you like, subject to the incomprehensible whims of our HR manager. She’s bipolar.
PR or Marketing Experience a Bonus: Maybe you can tell us the difference between the two.
Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You’ll be doing the jobs of three people we just fired.
Can Hit the Ground Running: No one’s been doing your job for six months.
Problem-Solving Skills a Must: Your boss will be too busy “taking lunch” and working on PowerPoint presentations to actually solve any problems.
Family Atmosphere: Everyone will blame you for the firing of your beloved predecessor.
3-5 Years Work Experience Required: You’re in your early 20s, so we can abuse you.
Excellent Benefits: It’s the same tired PPO plan from your last job. But we have a first aid kit in the supply closet.
Exciting Start-up Firm: We’ve been a “start-up” since 1997, and we’re still not making a profit.
Pay to be Dependent on Experience: Meaning you can experience the low pay we offer you, or you can experience the unemployment line.
Got any job ad phrases of your own? Let us know in the comments!
I return now to my lone, quixotic campaign to help stop dumb people with business degrees from trying to sound smart by using heinous business jargon.
Plug-and-play. This term has a technical meaning we need not worry about here. Microsoft introduced the term as marketing jargon in the ’90s, to imply that you could plug a printer or modem into a Windows PC, and have it work automatically, without loading software or changing settings. You know, like a Mac. On rare occasions, Windows plug-and-play actually works.
Business folks use the term to mean a process or product that is easily initiated or installed, and that works right away. Now think — have you ever experienced such a thing? Of course you haven’t. It doesn’t exist.
“Plug-and-play,” when it comes to business, is a lie. Don’t use it.
Turn-key solution. Means the same thing as plug-and-play. Does not exist, no matter what the salesperson tells you. The closest thing I ever encountered to a “turn-key” solution was WordPress — and it still took me a week to get a blog properly going.
Dynamic metrics. This also may have a highly technical meaning, but business people use it to mean “measurements taken while a process (such as online advertising) is operating,” as opposed to taking measurements when a process is ended. I hereby grant permission to IT pros and data analysts to use this term. Anyone else — you sound like an idiot. In fact, the next time you hear a non-techie use this phrase, ask him or her what it means. It’ll be amusing.
Right-sizing. Right-sizing = downsizing = FIRED. Never let anyone euphemize firings. Make them feel the guilt.
Synergy. The absolute nadir of corporate buzzwords. It means “different entities that cooperate, and become more than the sum of their parts.” This word has been overused to the point of meaninglessness. In practice, it means Company A bought Company B, and now the employees at Company A are not allowed to use any product made by Company B’s competitors. But they will pay full price.
Instruct your secretary or assistant to stab you in the hand with a fork every time you say “synergy.” You’ll learn. Same thing goes for “mediums” and “irregardless.”
Got any hated corporate gobbledy-speak of your own? Let is know in the comments!
When a potential employer calls your employment references, he or she knows the person at the end of the line can’t legally badmouth you. But sometimes its possible to read between the lines of a glowing recommendation.
From the ‘Tubes: The Lexicon of Intentionally Ambiguous Recommendations (or LIAR):
A man like him is hard to find. He disappears frequently.
Most of us had good impressions of him. And there was this one guy who could mimic him perfectly.
He’s a man of many convictions. He’s got a record a mile long.
I am pleased to say that she is a former colleague of mine. I can’t tell you how happy I am that she left.
He’s a difficult man to replace. He’ll sue if you try to fire him.
He takes a lot of enjoyment out of work. And ruins it for others too.
She merits a closer look. Don’t let her out of your sight.
He is a man of great vision. He hallucinates.
He is definitely a man to watch. Don’t trust him at all.
She commands the respect of everyone with whom she works. But rarely gets it.
You will never catch him asleep on the job. He’s too crafty to get caught.
He’s the kind of employee you can swear by. He likes dirty jokes, too.
If I were you, I’d give him sweeping responsibilities. He can also handle a mop.
When I saw her last, her business was just picking up. Litter, mostly.
When he worked for us, he was given numerous citations. And had to appear in court for each one.
She gives every appearance of being a loyal, dedicated employee. But appearances are deceiving.
He doesn’t mind being disturbed. Which is why he doesn’t take his medication.
Got any more? Let us know in the comments!
There are two reasons a recruiter will ask you a dumb, inappropriate or illegal interview question. One: he or she is “testing” you, by playing silly games. Two: he or she is incompetent.
You don’t want to work for or with this person.
But in this economy, you may not have the luxury to be choosy. Here’s how I would answer some of these dumb questions:
“Have you ever brought a lawsuit against an employer?” “Yes. I sued the recruiter at my previous job, who asked me questions about things you’re not allowed to consider when hiring.”
“Do you ever abuse alcohol or drugs?” “Why? Are you holding?” or “I wouldn’t call it ‘abuse.’”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?” “Running this department, and firing you.”
“Have you ever stolen from an employer?” “No way! My last employer may be in prison, but he has ‘associates’ all over New Jersey!”
“How would other people describe you?” “A tall white male between 30 and 40 years of age, fleeing the scene to the southeast in a leather jacket and bluejeans.”
“Are you religious?” “Yeah, did I mention I sued my last employer for asking me illegal questions?” or “Yes! Soon the Great Old Ones will descend, and mighty Cthulhu will rise from lost R’lyeh to destroy the world! Yog-Sothoth knows the gate! Yog-Sothoth is the gate!”
Have any more bad interview questions? Let us know in the comments!
From the Internet, with some additions of my own:
When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.
When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.
When you make a mistake, it’s your fault.
When your boss makes a mistake, it’s your fault.
When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.
When you take a stand, you’re being bullheaded.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.
When you break a rule of etiquette, you’re being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he’s being original.
When you please your boss, you’re a suck-up.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being cooperative.
When you’re out of the office, you’re wasting company time.
When your boss is out of the office, he’s “in pocket.”
When you take a day off sick, you’re sick too often.
When your boss takes a day off sick, it’s a tragic illness.
When you ask for a few hours off, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss asks for a few hours off, it’s unavoidable.
If you forget to do something important, you’re risking your job.
If your boss forgets, you forgot to remind him.
If you can’t get the printer to work, you’re incompetent.
If your boss can’t get the printer to work, it’s broken.
When you get laid off, you get two weeks severance and a security guard to escort you off the premises.
When your boss gets laid off, he gets a golden parachute and stock options.
Got any others? Let us know in the comments!
From the Tubes — a Management-to-English translator:
That’s very interesting. I disagree.
I don’t disagree. I disagree.
I don’t totally disagree with you. You may be right, but I don’t care.
You have to show some flexibility. You have to do it whether you want to or not.
We have an opportunity. You have a problem.
You obviously put a lot of work into this. This is awful.
In a perfect world… I won’t give you any resources or guidance. Just get it working and get it out the door.
Help me to understand. I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t think you do either.
You just don’t understand our business. I hire experts like you and then ignore their advice.
You need to see the big picture. The CEO thinks it’s a good idea.
If you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open. Go f— yourself.
I appreciate your contribution. Go f— yourself.
We’re going to follow a strict methodology here. We’re going to do it my way.
I didn’t understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? I still can’t figure out how to work the e-mail program.
Cost of ownership is a significant issue. We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.
We have to leverage our resources. You’re working weekends..
Your project is on hold. Your project is canceled.
Wrong answer. You didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear.
You needed to be more proactive. You should have protected me from myself.
I’d like your buy-in on this. I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
We want you to be the executive champion of this project. I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
We need to syndicate this decision. We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
We have to put on our marketing hats. We have to put ethics aside.
It’s not possible. It’s impractical. It won’t work. I don’t know how to do it.
It’s a no-brainer. It’s a perfect decision for me to take credit for it.
I’m glad you asked me that. My boss told me what to say.
There are larger issues at stake. I’ve made up my mind, so don’t bother me with the facts.
I’ll never lie to you. I’ll lie to you.
Our business is going through a paradigm shift. We have no idea what we’ve been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.
Human Resources. A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. The upcoming reductions will benefit me.
Got any more? Post them in the comments!
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