Posted by Erik Even on Jun 11, 2009 in
Job Search Since I’m always going on about honesty, here’s a humorous Internet meme I found: the Honest Job Application:
NAME: [Redacted]
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha Ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz-style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yup.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collections of hubcaps and beer bottles.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more pertinent question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner in the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
Tags: humor, job applicants
Posted by Erik Even on Jun 9, 2009 in
Job Search Circulating on the Internet — some supposedly-true “interviewees from Hell:”
1. Said he was so well-qualified that if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.
2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
3. Brought her large dog to the interview.
4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.
5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.
6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.
7. Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.
8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
9. Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
10. Announced she hadn’t had lunch, and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer’s office.
11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
12.. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
15. Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
19. Took a brush out of my purse, brushed his hair and left.
20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
2. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
22. Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.
23. While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: “Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?” I said, “I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.” He promptly responded, “I am as long as you’ll pay me more. “I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
26. An applicant came in wearing only one shoe.. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus.
27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.
28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn’t want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.
29. He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time.
30. Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.
31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.
32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.
33. She threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened.
34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.
35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.
Tags: bad interviewees, humor, Internet, interviewees
Posted by Erik Even on May 26, 2009 in
Advice 
I haven’t complained about business jargon for a while, so here we go.
centers of excellence (n.)
Poke around the Internet, and you’ll see that this term is very popular, but no one knows what it means. It seems to refer to any division or group within a company that’s doing a good job. To me, it seems strangely formal — why not a Coterie of Virtue or a Paragon of Professionals?
long-pole item (n.)
The single most important part of a business plan; it’s what’s holding up the metaphorical “tent.” This metaphor is (1) too obscure and (2) inappropriately sexual, especially to employees still stuck in the 9th grade. Fortunately, standard English already has a word for this: linchpin.
performance management (n.)
A highfalutin term for “assessing progress toward achieving predetermined goals.” In other words, what managers are supposed to be always doing anyway. If you had to to attend a performance management seminar at the Days Inn Flamingo Room in order to know this, you should not be a manager.
programmatically (adv.)
Wow, this is terrible — on the same level as “irregardless.” It has something to do with replacing human workers by automating their work on a computer. What, did “computerized” get thrown out of the dictionary?
special sauce (n.)
This is supposed to refer to proprietary or unique properties. “Our competitor’s product works, but it doesn’t have our special sauce.” And in the back of the room, Beavis & Butthead can’t stop giggling.
Previously: Is Using Business Jargon a Good Idea?; Some New Business Jargon; and Some More Business Jargon.
Tags: business jargon, English language, humor, pedantry
Posted by Erik Even on Apr 24, 2009 in
Careers,
Employment 
Think your job is bad?
British comic actor Tony Robinson has created a TV show and book documenting the worst jobs in history — in British history, at least.
If you’re cool like me, you’ll remember Robinson from the Black Adder TV series, in which he played Baldrick, who had what was definitely the worst job in history — to be repeatedly reborn as servant and dogsbody to the various abusive and scheming Lords Blackadder.
Also, the show co-starred Hugh Laurie of House fame, who played various characters so far removed from the character of Dr. Gregory House that you can hardly believe it’s the same actor.
Anyway, as a bit of Friday fun, here are a couple of the jobs Robinson discusses. I guarantee you your job is better.
Asphalt Pounder: In the Victorian era, someone discovered that asphalt makes for a great road covering, better than those silly cobblestones. Unfortunately, the steam roller does not yet exist. So here’s a job opportunity for impoverished immigrants — stamp around on the asphalt with your feet until it’s flattened.
Sounds easy. Except the asphalt is 320°F.
Plague Burier: Do you know how to dig a ditch? Then digging graves is a good job — steady work, easy to do. Um.. until the Bubonic Plague comes along, and you have tens of thousands of bodies to bury. There aren’t enough carts, so two of you have the carry the corpses between you on slings. And all burials are done at night, so the townsfolk won’t panic.
Oh, and there’s a 99.999% chance you’ll get the Plague. So your replacement will have the honor of tossing you in a pit and throwing lime on you.
Sin Eater: The best thing about religion is that it is relentlessly logical. For instance, if your loved one dies without Last Rites, say due to Plague, it’s only logical that a piece of bread can draw the sins out of their corpse, so your loved one can go to heaven. And from that it follows that someone must eat the bread, and so swallow the sins. I mean, that’s just obvious.
The Sin Eater is paid good cash money to go from house to house, eating free meals. The only drawback is that the meals must be eaten off the chest of a corpse. But it’s a small price to pay — you’re saving souls! Of course, you’re reviled by the villagers. Well, so are lawyers and bankers.
Lead Whiter: Making white paint in the 17th Century was so fun, they only allowed women to do it. Just climb to the top of a 40′ tall vat of horse manure and urine, and retrieve lead sheets that have been sitting in there for months. Scrape the flakes of oxidized lead powder off the sheets, and use them to make paint.
The job’s benefits? Low pay and lead poisoning, the latter of which promotes paralysis, madness and death.
Whipping Boy: I know what you’re thinking — this IS your job. But you probably didn’t know there was such a thing as a real life Whipping Boy. There was no way the servants, commoners and low-level aristocratic women who actually did the real work of raising the Royal Children would be permitted to hit or punish the Precious Snowflakes. So if one of the princes or princesses was naughty, they’d bring out the Whipping Boy. This child was permitted to live in the castle or palace, and enjoy all the amenities, like not dying of the Plague. But whenever a royal child was bad, it’s the Whipping Boy who got whipped. Surely, this taught the royal brats a lesson — that as aristocrats, they would never be punished for their misdeeds, that’s why we have the help!
And they wonder why the French revolted.
Tags: bad jobs, Hugh Laurie, humor, Tony Robinson, workplace safety, worst jobs, worst jobs in history
Posted by Erik Even on Mar 31, 2009 in
Careers,
Employment 
Today, a joke:
One day while walking down the street, a highly successful Human Resources Director was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” said the woman.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in,” replied St. Peter.
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.
“Sorry, we have rules…” And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down, down, down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends – fellow executives who she had worked with. They were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks, and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf.
That night they all went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute), and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up, up, up and opened at the Pearly Gates where she found St. Peter waiting for her.
“Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time. Before she knew it, her 24 hours were up, and St. Peter came and got her.
“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” said St. Peter.
The woman replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down, down, down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. “I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “Yesterday I was here, and there was a golf course and a country club. We ate lobster, and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage, and all my friends look miserable.”
The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you’re staff…”
Tags: human resources, humor, joke
Posted by Erik Even on Mar 9, 2009 in
Careers,
Employment 
We learn a lot of things from the movies. For instance, Hollywood films are the only reason everyone knows the words to the Miranda Warning, or that the Titanic broke into two pieces before it sank, or that you can save a mob boss’ wife from a heroin overdose with a syringe full of adrenaline.
We can also learn from the movies when it comes to the workplace. Disclosure taught us that women can sexually harass men, too; 9 to 5 taught us that male bosses will steal ideas from their female employees; and Working Girl taught us that female bosses will steal ideas from their female employees.
Here are four workplace films we can all learn from:
The Devil Wears Prada (2006)
Based on the novel by Lauren Weisberger, the film tells the story of Andy Sachs (Anne Hathaway), an immature, self-centered executive assistant based on the real-life Lauren Weisberger. She goes to work for manipulative, malevolent, egomaniacal fashion exec Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep), based on the real-life Anna Wintour.
We’re supposed to feel bad for Andy, as she suffers under Miranda’s insane manipulations. But Andy just comes across as a flighty ingrate; while the Miranda character, undoubtedly evil, does in fact keep every promise she makes to Andy, including offering her a real career at the end of the movie. When Andy turns it down to find a more meaningful life outside of fashion, she comes across not as a paragon of integrity, but as just stupid.
The lesson: pay your dues without complaint. Also, if your boss is a maniac, then just quit — don’t whine about it all the time, and then quit just as it’s paying off for you.
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
The message of this film, based on the 1984 David Mamet play, is very simple. DO NOT EVER WORK IN SALES. EVER.
Clerks (1994)
The other workplace films on this list feature office environments. I thought I’d give the blue collar a little love.
Clerks is the little no-budget indie film that made Kevin Smith famous. If you’ve never heard of Kevin Smith, it’s because you’re a Baby Boomer or older, and I can’t help you with that.
Clerks is the tale of a day in the life of two convenience store clerks, the irresponsible Randall and the overly-responsible Dante. Mostly they trade insults, discuss Star Wars, mock the customers, play hockey and attend a funeral. And they swear. A lot.
The message is, if you have a lousy job and no other prospects, do what you have to do to make it bearable. Also, if your customers are idiots, it’s okay to abuse them. I don’t suggest following that last piece of advice, but it’s in the movie.
Office Space (1999)
Mike Judge’s Office Space is hands-down the funniest workplace comedy ever made, and one of the funniest comedies ever made period. If you’re saying to yourself that Mike Judge created Beavis & Butthead, so you refuse to watch his movie, then I say to you well, he also created King of the Hill and Idiocracy. If that doesn’t change your mind, then again, I can’t help you.
Office Space is the story of Peter Gibbons (Ron Livingston), a disgruntled computer programmer who despises his job, his company and his life. His cheating girlfriend drags him to an occupational hypnotherapist, who puts Peter into a state of perfect relaxation. Before he can bring Peter out of the trance, the hypnotherapist dies of a heart attack.
Now completely free of stress, Peter blows off his job and asks out the gorgeous waitress (Jennifer Aniston) at the chain restaurant next door. Suddenly Peter, with his new-found fearless honesty and calm, pleasant demeanor, finds his career on the rise. But while Peter does no work and gets promoted, his buddies Michael and Samir, who toil like slaves, are going to be laid off.
Disturbed by the unfairness of the situation, Peter talks Michael and Samir into joining a scheme to embezzle from the company. The plan goes horribly, horribly wrong, and with his hypnosis wearing off, Peter must find a way to save himself and his friends from their mistake, and keep them all out of PMITA prison (if you’ve seen the movie, you know what that is).
The film is full of lessons. First, if you hate your job, find another one. Second, if you must stay in a bad job, don’t let it affect your personal life. Third, don’t be afraid to stand up to your abusive boss — he can’t hurt you as much as you think he can. Fourth, yes, you can ask out the hot waitress at the chain restaurant, just be pleasant and confident.
And fifth, you know that computer embezzlement scheme from Superman III? Yeah, don’t try that.
Tags: humor, job advice, movies
Posted by Erik Even on Mar 3, 2009 in
Employment 
I’ve written several times now about business jargon, and whether you should use it or not. I’ve rounded up some new examples, both good and bad:
BAD:
Above-board [adj.]: “You’re not being above-board with me.” Just say “honest.”
Agreeance [n.]: Agreement. “Are we in agreeance?” It is legal in 12 states to kill a person who uses this “word.”
Bouncebackability [n.]: The ability to reverse a losing situation. Sorry, you can’t make a new word by stringing together three existing words. This isn’t German.
Bucketize [v.]: To organize information into groups. “Let’s take a moment to bucketize our ideas.” There’s a name for turning random nouns into verbs: “idiocy.”
Can I stir fry an idea in your think-wok? [exp.]: “Can I have your opinion?” This person can be killed in all 50 states and Puerto Rico.
Criticality [n.]: “I cannot emphasize the criticality of this issue enough.” What you mean is, “I cannot emphasize how critical this is.” Dumbass.
Extrapediately [adv.]: “Immediately,” as in “stop using this idiotic made-up word extrapediately.”
Human capital [n.]: Just say “people.” Please.
I hate to say “I told you so.” [exp.] Don’t use this, because no human being in the history of civilization ever hated saying “I told you so.”
Impactful [adj.]: Having impact. Idioticful.
Meritocracy [n.]: See also Fairyland, Shangri-La, Unicorn Planet, and Santa’s Workshop.
Operationalize [v.]: To do. That’s it. Just “to do.”
Oxygen-move [n.]: “Breathing new life” into a project. Don’t base your analogies on analogies.
Triangulate [v.]: To involve a third person or party. Funny, that’s not what “triangulate” means.
GOOD:
Acluistic [adj.]: The state of being “without a clue.” Heh heh. Nice.
Adhocracy [n.]: a business with no formal structure. Not a good thing.
D-PAD [v.]: “Downloading Porn All Day,” for when an employee has nothing to do. Not that I’d know.
Eschew obfuscation. [exp.]: “Avoid unnecessarily obtuse language.” That, Alanis, is irony.
Homing from work [v.]: Dealing with personal concerns while at work. Clever because it’s the opposite of “working from home.”
Jumped the shark. [exp.]: “Passed its prime.” The new, preferred version is “nuke the fridge.”
Malicious obedience [n.]: Doing exactly as the boss says, and hoping their bad decisions backfire on them.
Meta-ignorance [n.]: Being ignorant of the fact that you’re ignorant.
Phone shui [n.]: In ancient Chinese tradition, the art of adjusting the placement of your cellphone to find a signal.
Presenteeism [n.]: Working ridiculously long hours. Clever because it’s the opposite of “absenteeism.”
Voluntold [v.]: “Volunteered” for something by a superior.
Tags: business jargon, English language, humor
Posted by Erik Even on Feb 24, 2009 in
Employment 
Here’s a test that’s been floating around the tubes. It’s a four-question management test, apocryphally attributed to Anderson Consulting (now Accenture). Don’t cheat!
Question 1: How do you put a giraffe in the refrigerator?
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
Question 2: How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Wrong answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
Question 3: The Lion King is hosting an animal conference; all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. He’s in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
Question 4: There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?
Correct answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
The claim is that about 90% of the professionals tested got all questions wrong, but pre-schoolers tended to get several correct answers.
How’d you do?
Tags: Anderson Consulting, humor, management, quiz, test
Posted by Erik Even on Feb 18, 2009 in
Employment 
Speaking of business jargon, here are some new words you might not be familiar with:
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s work place
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. (also called APE DYNAMICS)
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve
404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error message “404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake
And just a couple of IT-related words:
ID10T ERROR: A technical-sounding term used when a computer problem was caused by the idiot using the computer.
PEBKAC: “Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair.” Same as ID10T Error.
Via here.
Tags: business jargon, communication, English language, humor
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