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More Heinous Business Jargon to Avoid

Posted by Erik Even on Aug 6, 2009 in Advice, Employment

I return now to my lone, quixotic campaign to help stop dumb people with business degrees from trying to sound smart by using heinous business jargon.

Plug-and-play. This term has a technical meaning we need not worry about here. Microsoft introduced the term as marketing jargon in the ’90s, to imply that you could plug a printer or modem into a Windows PC, and have it work automatically, without loading software or changing settings. You know, like a Mac. On rare occasions, Windows plug-and-play actually works.

Business folks use the term to mean a process or product that is easily initiated or installed, and that works right away. Now think — have you ever experienced such a thing? Of course you haven’t. It doesn’t exist.

“Plug-and-play,” when it comes to business, is a lie. Don’t use it.

Turn-key solution. Means the same thing as plug-and-play. Does not exist, no matter what the salesperson tells you. The closest thing I ever encountered to a “turn-key” solution was WordPress — and it still took me a week to get a blog properly going.

Dynamic metrics. This also may have a highly technical meaning, but business people use it to mean “measurements taken while a process (such as online advertising) is operating,” as opposed to taking measurements when a process is ended. I hereby grant permission to IT pros and data analysts to use this term. Anyone else — you sound like an idiot. In fact, the next time you hear a non-techie use this phrase, ask him or her what it means. It’ll be amusing.

Right-sizing. Right-sizing = downsizing = FIRED. Never let anyone euphemize firings. Make them feel the guilt.

Synergy. The absolute nadir of corporate buzzwords. It means “different entities that cooperate, and become more than the sum of their parts.” This word has been overused to the point of meaninglessness. In practice, it means Company A bought Company B, and now the employees at Company A are not allowed to use any product made by Company B’s competitors. But they will pay full price.

Instruct your secretary or assistant to stab you in the hand with a fork every time you say “synergy.” You’ll learn. Same thing goes for “mediums” and “irregardless.”

Got any hated corporate gobbledy-speak of your own? Let is know in the comments!

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What To Do Before You Call IT

Posted by Erik Even on Jul 2, 2009 in Advice, Employment

As a sequel to yesterday’s post on how to deal with IT people, here is a list of things to try before you get IT on the phone.

Believe me, your IT geek will love you for it, and may never again suggest your problem is an id10t error.

If your program or application freezes (Windows):

1. Press the Ctrl + Alt + Del keys simultaneously.
2. Choose “Task List.”
3. Select the program that you want to stop from the list, and press the “End Task” button.

If your program or application freezes (Macintosh):

1. Press the Opt + ⌘ + Esc keys simultaneously, or choose “Force Quit” from the Menu in the upper-left corner of your screen.
2. Select the program that you want to stop and press the “Force Quit” button.

If your monitor won’t turn on:

Make sure the power cable, and the cable that runs from the monitor to the computer, are properly plugged in at both ends.

If your computer can’t access the network or the Internet:

1. Make sure the network cable is plugged properly into the CPU and the wall.
2. Shut down the computer.
3. Wait 10-15 seconds, and turn it back on.

If your printer won’t print:

Turn the printer and your computer off; then turn them both on again.

If your computer won’t shut down when you try to turn it off (both Mac and Windows):

Push in and hold the power button until your computer shuts down. Wait 10-15 seconds before turning it back on again.

Got any additional advice? Let us know in the comments!

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How to Deal with the IT Geek

Posted by Erik Even on Jul 1, 2009 in Advice, Employment

Computers are now a vital component of almost every job out there. It doesn’t matter how good you are at sales, or medicine, or the law, or accounting, or administrating — if you can’t navigate an operating system or use email, you are not qualified to be a salesperson, doctor, lawyer, accountant or administrator.

But using a computer at work means that at some point, you will need help from the IT Department. Many workers dread dealing with IT for a number of reasons. Computer experts tend to have their own language and their own strict views about how computers should be used. They sometimes look down upon people who are not as tech savvy. And IT as a career tends to attract a small but troublesome group of hostile men with a spectrum disorder, who take joy in abusing computer users.

Fortunately, the stereotypical computer geek is rare, and most IT professionals are normal people like you and me who happen to know C++ and can tell you how to tweak your Blood Elf Warlock’s talent tree for maximum efficiency.

I used to work in IT support, despite being almost entirely unqualified to do so. During that time, I saw things from both sides, user and IT pro. Here’s some advice for dealing with IT — but first, a video look at life from an IT person’s point of view.

Before you call IT, check for wetware errors. Most of the time, your computer issues will stem from some small mistake you made, and can easily fix yourself. Your computer is the hardware, its programs are the software, and your brain is the wetware. Is the computer plugged in? (Users hate this question, because it seems to insult their intelligence. Yet I assure you from personal experience, people forget to turn on their machine, or accidentally yank the plug out of the wall, all the time.) Did you try turning it off and on again? This solves many issues, especially memory problems. If your program “disappeared,” did you simply minimize the window? These are the questions any IT person will start by asking.

This leads directly into:

Don’t be afraid to try to diagnose the problem yourself. People who are afraid of computers will call IT the second anything they don’t understand happens. They think that if they tinker with the machine, they’ll somehow destroy it. But long gone are the days when one might enter “C:/ del” and accidentally erase their entire hard drive.

It’s very hard for you to do anything that will genuinely screw up your system. Try to figure out the problem on your own. Then, if you’re still stumped after 5 or ten minutes, call IT.

Don’t take out your anger on the computer tech. Yes, it can be frustrating to have computer issues. And on a few occasions, the problem may actually be the IT department’s fault. But most of the time, users freak out because (a) they don’t understand what went wrong, (b) they’re very busy with work and need their computer, and (c) they feel stupid that they can’t solve the problem themselves.

Your IT tech is trying to help you. So don’t abuse him or her. The fastest way to get your computer back is to work with, and not against, IT.

Describe the problem precisely, in detail. Every  IT support person on the planet has suffered through this conversation:

User: My computer is broken.
IT Guy: Well, what seems to be wrong with it?
User: I don’t know! It’s broken!
It Guy: What is on the screen right now?
User: Nothing!
IT Guy: So the screen is blank?
User: NO! There’s stuff but I don’t know what it is!

This is not only entirely unhelpful, it will antagonize the IT Guy, and all his friends in the IT Department. It is actually not the IT tech’s job to drop everything and come running the second you get frustrated with your computer. There are lots of other things an IT person does all day, and babysitting you may not be the best use of their time.

Tell the support person exactly what’s wrong. If you don’t know what something is called, carefully describe it. Do you want an IT person to actually come help you? Then sell your problem as a real problem.

Practice infinite patience. Some IT people will be hostile jerks. By being aggressively and consistently nice, you may win some of these people to your side. Others will never stop hating you, because they hate all human beings and they hate life — that’s why they went into IT. But you need these people, and being calm, patient and polite is the best way to deal with any difficult person, not just IT people.

Got any additional advice, or better yet, funny IT support stories? Let us know in the comments!

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Some Things You Need to Know About Work Email

Posted by Erik Even on Mar 19, 2009 in Employment

EmailUnless you’re a $3-an-hour slave laborer in a downtown Los Angeles garment factory, you probably have the opportunity during work hours to deal with issues from your personal life. Largely, these issues are dealt with online or via email.

Unfortunately, your personal business on your work’s computer network may not be as “personal” as you would like.

Of course, if you conduct business using your work email, your company can archive and read everything you send and receive. You would think this was obvious to everyone, but news stories pop up all the time about employees conducting inappropriate business via their work email address and getting fired or sued over it.

What’s less obvious is that your company may have the right to track everything you do over their computer network, even if it’s your own personal private business. If you’re checking your own personal email account, perhaps through Gmail, your company can read over your shoulder because you’re using their network.

They are also free to track your web surfing, and to hold you over the coals for anything they don’t like — or, more importantly, anything that can get the firm in trouble, like adult sites or questionably legal gambling sites.

The best thing to do is to ask about your company’s Internet policies (and look at the contract or NDA you signed when you were hired), and then don’t violate them. If your employer allows a certain amount of personal Internet use, you still need to be smart. Don’t discuss sex, race or religion if you’re on the company network. Watch out for inappropriate humor, or “NSFW” web content. You can indulge in all of these activities freely at home.

Be sure to watch for inappropriate communications via instant message, as well. Not only can your IT department monitor what is said, but most IM programs store a log on your hard drive of all conversations. If your boss has dome something to piss you off, wait until after work to tell your buddies all about it.

Just follow common sense rules of professionalism, and you should be fine.

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