Humor: What Job Ads Really Mean

From around the Internet — what those standard phrases in job ads really mean:

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates — you listen, and try to figure out what they really mean. Then tell them, because they don’t know.

Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload: No whiners.

Career-Minded: You need to have your bosses’ career on your mind at all times.

Self-Motivated: Because we won’t motivate you.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night, and some time each weekend.

Duties Will Vary: You’ll have eight bosses.

Competitive Environment: We fire people all the time.

Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We don’t provide leads, and you’re only paid on commission.

Casual Work Atmosphere: Dress however you like, subject to the incomprehensible whims of our HR manager. She’s bipolar.

PR or Marketing Experience a Bonus: Maybe you can tell us the difference between the two.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You’ll be doing the jobs of three people we just fired.

Can Hit the Ground Running: No one’s been doing your job for six months.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: Your boss will be too busy “taking lunch” and working on PowerPoint presentations to actually solve any problems.

Family Atmosphere: Everyone will blame you for the firing of your beloved predecessor.

3-5 Years Work Experience Required: You’re in your early 20s, so we can abuse you.

Excellent Benefits: It’s the same tired PPO plan from your last job. But we have a first aid kit in the supply closet.

Exciting Start-up Firm: We’ve been a “start-up” since 1997, and we’re still not making a profit.

Pay to be Dependent on Experience: Meaning you can experience the low pay we offer you, or you can experience the unemployment line.

Got any job ad phrases of your own? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: humor, Internet meme, job ads, Job Search

Humor: What Employee Recommendations Really Mean

When a potential employer calls your employment references, he or she knows the person at the end of the line can’t legally badmouth you. But sometimes its possible to read between the lines of a glowing recommendation.

From the ‘Tubes: The Lexicon of Intentionally Ambiguous Recommendations (or LIAR):

A man like him is hard to find. He disappears frequently.

Most of us had good impressions of him. And there was this one guy who could mimic him perfectly.

He’s a man of many convictions. He’s got a record a mile long.

I am pleased to say that she is a former colleague of mine. I can’t tell you how happy I am that she left.

He’s a difficult man to replace. He’ll sue if you try to fire him.

He takes a lot of enjoyment out of work. And ruins it for others too.

She merits a closer look. Don’t let her out of your sight.

He is a man of great vision. He hallucinates.

He is definitely a man to watch. Don’t trust him at all.

She commands the respect of everyone with whom she works. But rarely gets it.

You will never catch him asleep on the job. He’s too crafty to get caught.

He’s the kind of employee you can swear by. He likes dirty jokes, too.

If I were you, I’d give him sweeping responsibilities. He can also handle a mop.

When I saw her last, her business was just picking up. Litter, mostly.

When he worked for us, he was given numerous citations. And had to appear in court for each one.

She gives every appearance of being a loyal, dedicated employee. But appearances are deceiving.

He doesn’t mind being disturbed. Which is why he doesn’t take his medication.

Got any more? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: communication, humor, Internet meme, professional references, recommendations

What Your Manager Really Means to Say

From the Tubes — a Management-to-English translator:

That’s very interesting. I disagree.
I don’t disagree. I disagree.
I don’t totally disagree with you. You may be right, but I don’t care.
You have to show some flexibility. You have to do it whether you want to or not.
We have an opportunity. You have a problem.
You obviously put a lot of work into this. This is awful.
In a perfect world… I won’t give you any resources or guidance. Just get it working and get it out the door.
Help me to understand. I don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t think you do either.
You just don’t understand our business. I hire experts like you and then ignore their advice.
You need to see the big picture. The CEO thinks it’s a good idea.
If you do want to discuss it further, my door is always open. Go f— yourself.
I appreciate your contribution. Go f— yourself.
We’re going to follow a strict methodology here. We’re going to do it my way.
I didn’t understand the e-mail you said you sent. Can you give me a quick summary? I still can’t figure out how to work the e-mail program.
Cost of ownership is a significant issue. We want all of the benefits and none of the costs.
We have to leverage our resources. You’re working weekends..
Your project is on hold. Your project is canceled.
Wrong answer. You didn’t tell me what I wanted to hear.
You needed to be more proactive. You should have protected me from myself.
I’d like your buy-in on this. I want someone else to blame when this thing bombs.
We want you to be the executive champion of this project. I want to be able to blame you for my mistakes.
We need to syndicate this decision. We need to spread the blame if it backfires.
We have to put on our marketing hats. We have to put ethics aside.
It’s not possible. It’s impractical. It won’t work. I don’t know how to do it.
It’s a no-brainer. It’s a perfect decision for me to take credit for it.
I’m glad you asked me that. My boss told me what to say.
There are larger issues at stake. I’ve made up my mind, so don’t bother me with the facts.
I’ll never lie to you. I’ll lie to you.
Our business is going through a paradigm shift. We have no idea what we’ve been doing, but in the future we shall do something completely different.
Human Resources. A bulk commodity, like lentils or cinder blocks.
The upcoming reductions will benefit the vast majority of employees. The upcoming reductions will benefit me.

Got any more? Post them in the comments!

Tags: business communication, humor, Internet meme, management