Humor: What Job Ads Really Mean

From around the Internet — what those standard phrases in job ads really mean:

Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

Flexible Hours: Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.

Good Communication Skills: Management communicates — you listen, and try to figure out what they really mean. Then tell them, because they don’t know.

Ability to Handle a Heavy Workload: No whiners.

Career-Minded: You need to have your bosses’ career on your mind at all times.

Self-Motivated: Because we won’t motivate you.

Some Overtime Required: Some time each night, and some time each weekend.

Duties Will Vary: You’ll have eight bosses.

Competitive Environment: We fire people all the time.

Sales Position Requiring Motivated Self-Starter: We don’t provide leads, and you’re only paid on commission.

Casual Work Atmosphere: Dress however you like, subject to the incomprehensible whims of our HR manager. She’s bipolar.

PR or Marketing Experience a Bonus: Maybe you can tell us the difference between the two.

Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience: You’ll be doing the jobs of three people we just fired.

Can Hit the Ground Running: No one’s been doing your job for six months.

Problem-Solving Skills a Must: Your boss will be too busy “taking lunch” and working on PowerPoint presentations to actually solve any problems.

Family Atmosphere: Everyone will blame you for the firing of your beloved predecessor.

3-5 Years Work Experience Required: You’re in your early 20s, so we can abuse you.

Excellent Benefits: It’s the same tired PPO plan from your last job. But we have a first aid kit in the supply closet.

Exciting Start-up Firm: We’ve been a “start-up” since 1997, and we’re still not making a profit.

Pay to be Dependent on Experience: Meaning you can experience the low pay we offer you, or you can experience the unemployment line.

Got any job ad phrases of your own? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: humor, Internet meme, job ads, Job Search

What That Job Ad Really Means to Say

Here’s another wonderful Internet meme: what all those cliched phrases in job ads really mean to say.

Ability To Handle A Heavy Workload: You whine, you’re fired.
Apply In Person: If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
Career-Minded: Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Casual Work Atmosphere: We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up.
College Degree Preferred: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Theology. (Or, like me, Medieval Iceland. Seriously.)
Competitive Environment: We have a lot of turnover.
Competitive Salary: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Duties Will Vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Entry-Level Position In An Up-And-Coming Company: You’ll be making under $7 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
Flexible Hours: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Good Communication Skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they really mean, and do it.
Immediate Opening: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We’re just now running the ad.
Join Our Fast-Paced Company: We have no time to train you; you’ll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
Must Be Deadline Oriented: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Must Have An Eye For Detail: We have no quality control.
Nationally Recognized Leader: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven’t done anything innovative since.
No Phone Calls Please: We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Problem-Solving Skills A Must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Profit-Sharing Plan: Once it’s shared between the higher-ups, there won’t be a profit.
Requires Team Leadership Skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Seeking Candidates With A Wide Variety Of Experience: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
Some Overtime Required: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

Got any definitions of your own? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: humor, job ads, job application advice