Humor: What Employee Recommendations Really Mean

When a potential employer calls your employment references, he or she knows the person at the end of the line can’t legally badmouth you. But sometimes its possible to read between the lines of a glowing recommendation.

From the ‘Tubes: The Lexicon of Intentionally Ambiguous Recommendations (or LIAR):

A man like him is hard to find. He disappears frequently.

Most of us had good impressions of him. And there was this one guy who could mimic him perfectly.

He’s a man of many convictions. He’s got a record a mile long.

I am pleased to say that she is a former colleague of mine. I can’t tell you how happy I am that she left.

He’s a difficult man to replace. He’ll sue if you try to fire him.

He takes a lot of enjoyment out of work. And ruins it for others too.

She merits a closer look. Don’t let her out of your sight.

He is a man of great vision. He hallucinates.

He is definitely a man to watch. Don’t trust him at all.

She commands the respect of everyone with whom she works. But rarely gets it.

You will never catch him asleep on the job. He’s too crafty to get caught.

He’s the kind of employee you can swear by. He likes dirty jokes, too.

If I were you, I’d give him sweeping responsibilities. He can also handle a mop.

When I saw her last, her business was just picking up. Litter, mostly.

When he worked for us, he was given numerous citations. And had to appear in court for each one.

She gives every appearance of being a loyal, dedicated employee. But appearances are deceiving.

He doesn’t mind being disturbed. Which is why he doesn’t take his medication.

Got any more? Let us know in the comments!

Tags: communication, humor, Internet meme, professional references, recommendations

Are You Employable?

Everybody wants to find employment. Well, almost everybody.

But how many people worry about their employability? How much do you do to make yourself attractive to employers?

Here are some examples:

Be open to new careers. Your experience may be valuable to a firm in a different field. Don’t trap yourself within one industry — you can always return to it later, especially if the skill sets are similar.

Be relocatable. If you’re willing to move to another part of town, another town, another state, or even another country, guess what? The field of available jobs just grew exponentially. Some companies will even pay to move you. This is harder if you have a family. But if you can do it, then be brave and take the plunge. Apply for jobs in places you think you might like to live, and let recruiters know you can relocate. And if someone calls about a job in some place of which you have never heard, listen to the offer. It might lead you to a great new life!

Clean up your web presence. It’s not that companies look for reasons not to hire you. It’s that they have so many applicants, they can afford to be selective. So if you are putting things on web sites and social networks that would be perfectly appropriate in your personal life, but might make an employer nervous — take them down. Of course it’s not fair. Do you want a job, or not?

Take classes. No matter what your career, you should always keep your skill set fresh. Take classes, attend workshops, and go to conventions. It’s fun, it’s great for networking, and it impresses employers. It is also expensive, so choose carefully.

Have great references. Employers love nothing better than to be able to speak to another professional within their industry, who is willing to speak enthusiatically about a possible hire. It’s better than any resume, cover letter, or even letter of recommendation. Of course, if you want an employer to love you and talk about your great work, you have to be lovable and do great work. Or have something on him or her for blackmail puposes.

Tags: career change, classes, Internet, job search advice, job skills, professional references, relocation, social networking

How to Choose Your References

Many employers will ask you for a list of references, either when you apply, or upon arranging an interview. For some reason, they always want three references — that’s the magic number.

When a potential employer contacts one of your former companies’ HR department, that HR manager can only confirm your employment and give a few other specific facts. They can not issue opinions — it’s illegal.

So your prospective employer wants to talk to someone who can give opinions and answer specific questions about you, someone who worked directly with you on a day-to-day basis — a coworker, a client, a colleague, or best of all, a former supervisor.

These people can give your prospective employer this information because you have given them permission to do so, by picking them as references.

Now, your potential employer knows these people, whom you chose as references, are very unlikely to say anything negative about you, at least on purpose. Of course, they could badmouth you, if they wanted. But the employer just wants to know that you have been able to make a good impression on at least some of your former colleagues.

So remember:

Do not give personal references unless asked. The hirer doesn’t want to talk to your best friend, or your LARPing buddy, or your significant other, or heaven forfend, your mom. They want professional references. In the one-in-ten-googol chance they do ask for personal references (really, only banks do that, when making loans), then you can provide them. But still, don’t use your mom.

Only list people with whom you have worked. Your college professor, local Rotary Club president or rabbi may love you to bits, but you didn’t work with them. Only use references like these at the very beginning of your career — and replace them with real colleagues as soon as possible.

Ask someone if they’re willing to be a reference. Always get permission — don’t surprise any of your former colleagues by giving out their contact info to strangers. Get explicit permission. You don’t have to do this every time you give out their name — just asking once is fine. Also, asking permission is a great way to make sure the reference doesn’t intend to say anything about the sexual harassment lawsuit or the arson charges.

Get the contact info right. It looks very bad when a prospective employer can’t get a hold of your references. Very bad. If you don’t even have this person’s current phone number, than how well could you possibly know each other?

Don’t list your parole officer as a reference. Or your drug dealer. Or your 12-step sponsor. Unless she’s also your mom.

Tags: job application advice, job search advice, personal references, professional references, references